First chapter of my story... please comment?

It's okay but it needs to be proof read for grammar mistakes and phraseology. (There are quite a few bits needing attention). Plus, if you are intending to submit it to a publisher then there are set ways to lay out the mcript, after first checking if they are taking in unsolicited mcripts. For instance they are usually typed in double line spacing with set margins and spaces for headers and footers, and they usually specify a particular word count. And, some have what they call a house style that you have to conform to. Good luck!